Founders Note: Today on the blog we have a guest post from Katelyn. She is sharing her heart on this month's theme faithfulness. You can learn more about Katelyn and her blog in her bio at the end of the post.
Recently I was asked, “How can you be so faithful to a book written so long ago? How can you have faith in a world full of hurt?”
Well for once I had the perfect answer:
It’s not about facts really, it is something that you realize through prayer. You don’t have faith first and then start praying. Just start praying and God will show you how to be faithful.
My own faith journey is one I feel is worth sharing. Just like all the stories we read in the bible, Jesus found me in my darkest hour and showed me grace. Right before I got married to my wonderful husband I was in a very dark place personally.
I had a god-shaped hole in my heart and I used every earthly indulgence to fill it. The way I was living was incredibly selfish and irresponsible. When I think back, it’s obvious to me that god must have intervened sooner than I realized. Despite the tremendous hurt I put my husband through, he graciously forgave me and married me at a time when I appeared pretty hopeless. He believed in me, he believed that our love could overcome and it did. After we were married I made a real effort to get my act together and we were happy. Only a month later we decided to try for our first child. It was something we both wanted very badly and we felt stable enough to handle it even though I had a long way to go personally. We tried and I prayed “God, give me a child please, give me something to be proud of, give me purpose, please. I’ll change I promise”. Anyone else may have thought it was a bad idea, not God, he answered my desperate plea. Only two weeks later we found out I was pregnant! With trust that he knows what he is doing, I left my selfish ways and started living for my family. Then, just as I’d imagined, my daughter was born and she became the light of my life. I wanted to be a better person for her, someone she could look up to and so we found a church to call home. There I found the happiness and fulfillment I had been missing. Life was good. I tried my best but I was new at this, I began coasting along, listening but not really living out what I was learning.
Babies get bigger and life tests you. Everyday my patience was pushed farther than I thought possible and every night I was pleading with God “Give me patience, Help me find joy in my days, please” . Maybe I’m crazy but when my daughter was almost a year and a half old I felt a strong tug at my heart. I knew it would be rough but I decided I wanted another baby. My husband was thrilled and we tried. I prayed again ” God, please give us another wonderful blessing and make me strong enough to handle this. Amen” I assumed it would be just as quick the second time around and I began planning. I even made a baby registry on Amazon. It wasn’t quick. Months went by and I became very discouraged. I prayed every night and did all sorts of research on fertility. I was doing everything in my power but still no baby. I could feel my self sinking lower, slipping back into old habits and old thinking.
After ten months I found a little bit of clarity, I knew that once again I needed to do some work on myself before I could properly serve my family. I began attending a “restoration” group at church every Tuesday and met a lot of wonderful and very broken people trying to put the pieces back together. I was reminded of the me that once was, the utterly broken person I was not so long ago, and I realized how far God has brought me. He will continue to carry me and guide me. So there I was in bed praying again, but this time my intentions were not to ask favors or try to control things. I prayed ” God I give up, I surrender to you. Show me they way because I’m lost on my own. Please speak loudly, because sometimes I don’t listen so well. Amen”
After that night I thought very hard about what makes me happy. Creating makes me happy and for a very long time I have wanted to paint old things to make them new(furniture, art, etc.) Since I had become so burnt out on the stay-at-home mom thing I thought I could put my daughter in montessori school and make a real go of it, be the artist I really want to be. Our relationship would be repaired with a little time apart and I would follow my passions, a baby can wait. I felt God was really leading me to do this I was excited and motivated.
I’m planning and preparing for this new stage of my life and suddenly I get the feeling something is up. Mother nature told me I should take a test and I begged my husband to run out and get one. But he said it was too late at night and he was right. We went to bed and I prayed, this time when I prayed I was a little angry “God, why? why now? I have plans, I thought you wanted this for me? please don’t let this be true, it’s not what I want I changed my mind!…sigh..Amen”. The next day I felt very guilty for being angry with God. I took the morning slowly, enjoyed time with my daughter and then while I was in the shower I again found some clarity in my hazy situation. Maybe God was speaking a little louder this time I don’t know. But I realized I can still follow my dreams, God will give me strength..and guess what? I had wanted a baby so badly for so long and it might be real this time! Me and Zoey took off to Target and wandered through the aisles with that test laying at the bottom of the cart. Finally I checked out and I couldn’t wait any longer, I had to know! I wasn’t dreading it, I was excited and anxious like I had been in all the months before. So, there in the stall of the Target bathroom, with my two-year-old asking me all sorts of questions, I waited. When I saw the the word appear …pregnant….Emotions poured out of me, I let my self feel real genuine feelings, I did not hold back. Thankfully Zoey was the only other person in that bathroom, and even she looked at me like I was crazy. But I didn’t care, I finally felt God’s presence. He was there with his hand on my back saying “Trust me, this is a good and wonderful gift and I will give you strength” I rushed to the car and called my husband at work. I’m sure he was confused with my reaction, but he and all of my family were ecstatic for me:) I’m so happy that I was given a night to let God work in me and process my feelings so that I could be enjoy that special news and gladly share it with the people that I love.
How am I so faithful you ask? Because I know God, He works in my life everyday to show me things I thought I already knew. Through faithful prayer I have found his voice. I know now that I was praying all wrong. I was asking god to do things for me, I was telling him what I needed. It took letting go of control and truly trusting in his will to give me the gift of absolute faith. What A gift it is!
My dreams are still far in the distance but God is faithful, he gives me strength to persevere.
This is why I have faith.
I want to hear your stories too! Please leave a comment if you want to share :)
I'm new to the blogging scene and I am so very passionate about what I do. I have been working hard to make this a full-time endeavor for me. I'm 25 years old with two baby girls and I am lucky to stay home with them while my husband goes to work. As well as writing about spreading God's love I am an avid crafter DIY-er. I was really inspired by the ladies of Proverbs 31 Ministries, their teachings have inspired me to chronicle our Jesus-driven family Life in my own blog.